Leaders love to say that they want to be nice, or more often that they don’t want to be mean, or too controlling, or too bossy — and they say that they don’t want to hurt somebody’s feelings. So the self-deception is: I am doing this for somebody else’s benefit. But to back up your point, Claire, not only does it NOT benefit those employees, but it’s not their true subconscious motivation.

Leaders are actually subconsciously trying to protect themselves. The fear that gets triggered that causes leaders to withhold feedback or distort reality in the face of difficult conversations comes back to a fear of not being good enough.

Two practical things that I have seen help leaders: 1 — remember that Clear is Kind. This comes from Brene Brown, and I love this.

2 — When you as a leader, go into difficult conversations, let go of the idea that anybody is right or wrong. If you think somebody is “wrong” or “bad” you will fear that conversation because you will be judging them during it, and you’re afraid that will leak out of you. And you’re right.

If, on the other hand — you approach the conversation with the intention to express your perspective, make requests, and invite them to share their own perspectives — now you are co-creating the future together. This kind of conversation is a lot less scary!!

I talked about a communication framework called FRIC on Tayo Rockson’s podcast: https://radiopublic.com/as-told-by-nomads-GMNOeW/ep/s1!6b5b0

That framework uses these concepts of clarity and co-creation to help those leaders who are just too darn nice. :)