To take this one level deeper, I would assert that we actually get defensive not just because we think the other person is out to get us, but because the story in our heads about what this person must feel towards us is triggering our own insecurities in our self-concept. For example, if somebody told me that my hair was purple — well — I might actually be excited because that’s my favorite color — but no, really — I wouldn’t feel angry or defensive. I might feel confused, but I know pretty clearly that my hair isn’t purple. If they see it as purple, that might be their truth, and I can take steps to understand if they like that my hair is purple, or if they find it disturbing, and figure out what they are requesting from me in that moment. But it doesn’t trigger an insecurity in my own self-concept, because deep down I know that my hair isn’t purple. But if we make it a real example — let’s say somebody gives me feedback that I “just don’t care” — well I KNOW how much I care, and I know that I am a loveable person — so in that moment I can let go of any tendencies to feel defensive and shift entirely into listening mode — getting curious and wanting to understand what has happened that they feel that way and again — understanding what they are requesting of me to demonstrate (in a way they can feel) how much I care. So it all comes back to the self-concept. Do the deeper work if you want to dramatically reduce how often you feel defensive.